Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road