I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.