Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.