there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.