If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.