Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.