Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!