That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.