“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.