When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.