My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.