I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer