Jogging has never helped my memory.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.