Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.