If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?