Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.