My background check bounced.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”