Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.