Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee