Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.