“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.