They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.