im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.