I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser