Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.