I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.