Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?