i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone