My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home