I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.