When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
There is no “we” in pizza
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen