Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.