If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”