I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.