There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.