Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.