Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.