Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.