If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.