Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.