The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.