Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You can鈥檛 drink and drive. You can鈥檛 text and drive. You can鈥檛 smoke bud and drive. It鈥檚 like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 馃檪
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he鈥檚 asleep at the bottom.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said