Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.