You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.