Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased