I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My purse is deeper than some people.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?