My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.