Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.