Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.