I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.